Lately I've been really frustrated.
If having a daughter who fights a daily battle with seizures isn't enough, add all the financial struggles we've been having and you would think it would surely be more than enough for one person to have to tackle.
Dare I say there's more?
As bad as the first two struggles seem to be (and believe me those are some hard beasts to tackle in and of themselves) this new thing has really been kicking my butt!
What could it be you might be wondering?
Well the only way I can describe it is this... UNFULFILLED!
I feel extremely unfulfilled lately.
I HATE my job! Not necessarily because of the work or the people I work with but because I KNOW WITH EVERYTHING IN ME IT'S NOT WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!!
And to make things even worse is that I don't know what/how/when/where to make the necessary changes needed to try and find the place/job where I feel I'm supposed to be.
Maybe it's fear that's holding me back. That seems like a logical reason to keep form taking a risk and trying something new. I mean just being fortunate enough to have a job in this kind of economy should make me happy shouldn't it?
Sure it should.
But I'm not looking to just be happy...
I'm looking to be FULFILLED!!
I'm looking for the place where I KNOW I'M MEANT TO BE!
Let's be honest here, if at the end of my life I'm laying on my death bed and I think I can be satisfied at just being happy to have a job then I'll rest my case. But I know with every fiber of my being that if I were looking death in the face right now I would be disappointed. Disappointed that I didn't seek that thing that gave me purpose.
I KNOW I'm supposed to be in ministry. I KNOW I have that calling on my life.
But how do you take such a risk in such insecure times?
Maybe I'm unfulfilled because I'm too afraid to take that risk.
I want to drop risk and not care enough about it that it stops me from following my dreams. It's really been kicking my butt lately!